Parents worked hard. Father made two ends meet by working overtime. On national holidays, he did not remain home because he was paid double the amount of pay for those days. I did not know what went wrong between mother and father. They quarreled very often. It was traumatizing. Was it a clash of ideologies or ways of life? Mom wanted to maintain tradition. She wanted to celebrate festivals which required time. I remember the Vara Lakshmi nomb, a function held during the Adi month (June-July) of Tamil calendar. Shri Lakshmi pooja is performed during any of the Adi Fridays. Mom would clean the kitchen and make arrangements for the pooja. She would ask me to get mango leaves and plantain leaves and tender shoots of banana plants. In those days it was not difficult to get mango leaves or even banana plants because Sagarpur abounded in trees and plants. I would fetch it for her. She would make kolams and cook a number of dishes. She would chant shlokas for Devi. Cooking would take a long time. She would also wear nine yard sari as per the custom but dad could not wait for long. He had to attend his duties. When it was unbearable, he shouted at her. He would say, ‘You are too slow. You take a long time for such things.’ Dad would leave for office without food.
My dad Shiva was frustrated because mom was branded as inefficient at household work by his sister and mother. I remember what my paternal aunt said about her. ‘There is no need to stand near the tap for filling water in a bucket. You can utilize the time you are waiting for getting the bucket filled, for other jobs.’ Dad was not able to take this criticism because firstly, he married against the wish of his parents. Secondly being emotional, he could not afford to desert my mother. He had affection for his children. But anger took the better of him. He would always allude to other women who were efficient at cooking and housekeeping. Mom would get angry. “Yes, I know what your mom and dad are. You pothead! Keep quiet. You are fit for nothing.” Dad would then abuse my mother which I did not like. I watched their quarrels with anxiety. Somehow my mother stopped performing Varalakshmi Nomb because she had to prioritize her work. Cooking, household work and her children came first. The carnatic music (kirtanams) which she used to sing reduced. There was no transistor or radio at home. The music I heard was mainly from blaring loudspeakers from outside. Mom was excellent at cooking, making traditional Sāmbhar, rasam, crispy chips, chutneys, salads etc. Dad was attracted towards mom in spite of all differences. He would talk to her about his experiences at work. But somehow I didn’t like my father then. Once I told my mom, “I hope this man doesn’t return home from work.” My mom asked me ‘Why do you say such a thing? He is your father. He is good.’ I didn’t understand this ambivalent relationship. I knew mom had feelings for father.
Dad mollycoddled me. He brought tonics for me and took great care to see that no one would dare to hurt me. Study in fact was an escape from circumstances. Parental quarrels involved abuses, fist fights, screams, yells, shrieks, irritation, loud wails, cries and hurling of things around. Brothers and sisters also joined the fray. They too fought among themselves in a similar manner. At times dad would hold my brother Hari upside down and beat him. It was a traumatic house. I had no boldness to fight because of my weak constitution. I stayed aloof. I grew indifferent. My aim was to come out of this situation. I disassociated my feelings for them. I was allowed to do a little bit of household work like rolling chapattis. I was barred from doing household work which involved wetting my hands and clothes. My mother didn’t want me to get bronchitis and she managed the household work. I was left to study. My sisters Uma and Revathi would go outside to play. Being timid and not social, I would play with my cousins only when relatives came to my house.
The cousins would come home during vacations. We would play cricket inside the house. Stumps would be drawn on the wall. There were batsmen, bowlers and fielders. The front room was big. Running for runs would be fun. I never experienced fear of falling while running in the house. Once while fielding I got hit on the nose. Several cricket sessions of such type relaxed and refreshed me. But I never dared to play on days when I went to school. I felt I needed time for study and completing my school homework.
An old man, my cousin Karnesh’s grandfather, appeared to be pious but when I went to my maternal aunt’s house, the old man misbehaved with me. I was shocked to know the old man whom I respected, was dirty. I told my mom. She was angry. Later I avoided the grandfather. Somehow the good influence of tradition started waning. A constant feeling of disrespect towards elders continued to dwell in my mind. I avoided doing namaskarams ( bend one’s head forward and fall at the feet of a person to show respect)to elders. I refrained from trusting even godly men. The old man’s son also had a similar kind of disease. He had pictures of nude ladies in his house. He showed me the nude photos. They were foreign ladies. Uncle told me that I should know about this. I told mom everything about the uncle. Later my mom used to send me only when aunt was there in the house.
Sometimes uncle would cook a lot of food and waste it. Aunt would not feel like throwing it away. Aunt Janaki used to send unutilized rice, vegetables etc for using it in our house. Both aunt and uncle worked. They were Karnesh’s parents. Karnesh lived with us during his parents’ absence. His mother, an accountant, working for Abita mills, was dominating the family. Frequent quarrels between the couple, was the order of the day. Once Karnesh’s father locked the doors of the house and went off with the keys to Sai nagar. My aunt made a trip to Chitragaon where her elder sister Ragini lived. Ragini’s house was a hub for relatives. No relative could enter our house without first visiting her or without her permission. She too was dominating. Karnesh used to talk about the quarrels between his parents. His father fought against women domination. He tried as much as he could to snub his wife. Being obsessed by sex, he behaved indecently with his wife even in my presence. His behaviour met with disapproval by my aunt very often. Karnesh experienced the golden moments of his childhood in our house. When my dad would come home from night duty, he used to sleep during day very often. My father liked Karnesh. He would ask Karnesh to stand on the back of his body and massage by pressing his feet on the body. He did so by walking to and fro on the back of my father’s body. This would make him feel nice. During afternoons we used to sleep at home. My brothers preferred to play outside. They were friendly with fellow urchins in the building. Play of cricket would also end in fights. One could hear them playing and talking about cricket. Cousin Karnesh used to join them.
Working women’s hostel was an unknown phenomenon in those times. Hema aunty paid some money to mom and stayed with us. Perhaps she might have regarded it as a help for the family. Relatives looked down upon us because we were a big family with limited income. Mother asked Hema aunty to pay a bit more money, but she left our house. However she stayed for a few years in our house before she left. Her stay in our house benefited me. She liked me. She used to sing songs especially Marathi songs, bhav geets, film songs and natya geets which were her favourites. Having lived in Sompur and having sung Marathi songs for Sompur radio station, she sang songs beautifully. Her melodious voice was worthy to listen to. The stalwarts in the line recommended her to take part in the national competition for music. She received a letter of invitation from the National Academy of Music. But her father, my maternal grandfather declined it. But she sang melodious songs to put me to sleep. I recollect the morning song which describes the glittering golden rays of the sun, the sky, the energetic birds, fresh grass, leaves, flowers and the pleasant cool air. Another song from mythology deals with how Radha was infatuated by Lord Krishna. There was another song which urges the lover to come to the beach, where the beloved who is waiting, can pour out the vibrations of her heart. I developed a liking for Marathi songs. She would pat me gently to put me to sleep. Those were the wonderful moments I experienced motherly affection. My aunt, Hema took me to a trip to Blackboot, Sagarpur. Children in her school were delighted to see me. They spoke in Tamil since they were from Arul Vidyalaya, Chitragaon– a regional school started by Tamilians. Sagarpur fostered many regional cultures. One could get the whole nation in Sagarpur. Aunt Hema used to get many English nursery rhymes from me to teach her children in school. She was a good teacher. Hema aunt would plan a trip to Sompur. She would take me to Sompur. She dressed me well and kept me clean. She packed the clothes, I needed for my stay. I was happy with her because she took great care of me. I enjoyed the train travel by looking out of the window. I stayed in Sompur, played as usual and roamed about. In those days government quarters had lovely gardens in front of them. Being central government quarters, people from all parts of India resided there. Returning from Sompur to Sagarpur meant an end to my happy holidays and going back to school. I would board the train. When the train would leave the platform, the air around would sing of alienation and departure. The melancholic song in Hindi emanated from houses near the station. The song quotes the mind of the new bride who is in a transit state. She has left her parents’ home and is on her way to enter a new and unknown family. She feels that no one belongs to her. Although I did not understand the words in Hindi, the tune was such, it made me feel sad. After returning from the trip, I would get into my regular routine.
Hema aunty would witness my parents’ quarrels. She tried to intervene. My father hurled a cycle pedal at my mother but it fell on my aunt’s feet. It was difficult for life to tame my father. I didn’t like his impulsive anger. He could be easily driven into anger. Such times passed by. Familial conditions worried me more than money. Vacations were the times I went to Ragini aunt’s house. The bus travel from Vanavli to Chitragaon did not suit me. The burning petrol smell and vibration of the bus moving evoked nausea in my stomach. So I preferred to take a train to Chitragaon and back to Vanavli. The momentous occasions were when my cousins came to Vanavli to visit Bhīma Park. The whole family would be there from morning to evening. We also took a stove with us. In those days visitors to Bhīma Park were few. It had the pristine look of a forest. We played cricket, catching cook, rings, and had fun. The maternal cousins, aunts and uncles enjoyed the picnic as one family. Rajendra anna, Akhila, Karnesh, Vivek were all there for the picnic.
Hari, my brother bunked school classes and started watching movies. Once he found a film projector, probably a discarded one with discarded film reels. At home he built a tent out of clothes and bed sheets. He made us sit inside the tent he had fabricated and operated the projector. We could see part of what was in the reel. My sisters and brothers were excited. They were moved and thrilled by what Hari anna(elder brother) could do. Many such broken and discarded film reels offered an opportunity for Hari to make us happy. What was surprising was cinema moved towards crime and violence. Plots presented pictures of innocent heroes or heroines getting trapped in the crime world. My brother was on a look out for watching these films. No one financed him. All the same films were akin to good dreams which helped him to escape reality. He was addicted to it. He made out that my school books would naturally fetch money. So he sold my books in Chitragaon book depot. He watched the much awaited films. He did not steal anything from other people’s homes but he stole things from his home. He used the same technique as used in the cinema. Perhaps he was bringing the cinematic world to reality. It might have been something adventurous for him. But I was affected by his deeds. This was how the influence of films entered my life although nuns of the convent barred me from being influenced by it.
Cinema viewers are of many kinds- sensitive, insensitive, mature, immature, rational, irrational minds, impulsive and susceptible minds and minds in addiction. Somehow my brother was influenced by cinemas. He stole an alarm clock from home. He used the balcony for the purpose. He tied the string to a clock and pulled the string from the outlet meant for water to pass. He climbed up the window sill and fetched the clock. He did this at night when we were asleep. His friend Romesh was an accomplice. My brother rarely remained at home. He roamed about on railway platforms. One occasion, he fled to West India where his friend Romesh lived. Romesh’s mother was from North East India and father from West India. When he did not return for days, the family was in tension. Father had to attend his duties and mother had household work. I had feelings for my brother, Hari. He was naughty and violent. He never listened to me. Finally a complaint was lodged with the Vanavli police station. Police found Romesh and Hari in West India. My mother asked the police to put him in prison and also requested the police to slap him so that he would not repeat such incidents again. The police planted slaps on my brother’s face. My younger brother Mohan saw this. He started crying. The police declared it as a juvenile case and handed my brother to my mom and dad.
Dad was really frustrated. Many times he banged his head against the wall. He wanted the children especially boys to do well in academics. He went to brother’s school and brought the school leaving certificate and contacted a relative in Simaluru. My maternal aunt’s son arranged admission for my brother in Oxford school. Lakshmanan anna was strict. My brother however didn’t want to go. Dad packed the luggage and boarded the train along with him and dropped him at Simaluru in periamma’s (maternal aunt) house. He attended the first day of the school but he didn’t return to periamma’s house. He took a train to Sagarpur and somehow reached home. Dad asked him how he managed to travel without ticket and sufficient money in hand. He got down at Bailey station and crossed a number of railway lines. He boarded a Vanavli bound train. My dad was surprised to see his soiled pants and shirt. He had not eaten anything after he had snacks in school, the previous morning. Dad experienced mixed emotions of laughter and anger. He could neither laugh nor get angry. He knew one thing that educating the boys was a difficult task. Mohan was happy to have Hari home.
Mohan was the most sensitive of all my brothers and sisters. He had a tender appearance. He was put in a girls’ school and he finished his kindergarten there. I dressed him up for school. A light blue shirt, dark blue pants and a red tie on, made my brother look delicate and dainty. Later he was admitted to Bright Boys High school. Jolly Kutty was his maths teacher. Mohan found maths difficult. He was caned by his maths teacher. So he followed the footsteps of his brother. He bunked school and tuition classes. Mohan had some speech problems. He halted while speaking. Once, Mohan went to roam about in the Era vane jungle. He picked some berries from the forest and came home. We knew that he had something in his pocket. He did not want to show us. He thought that we might ask for some share of the berries. Dad threatened him and asked him to show the berries. The muscles on his face twisted due to fear. He looked down. After saying ‘No’ several times, he understood that he will have to show it. He slid his hand slowly into his pocket and removed something which was black. It was shining. Dad took it in his hand and smelt it. He broke into laughter. We joined him in his laughter when we saw that they were not berries but goat’s droppings. When we had a hearty laugh, Mohan felt shy and embarrassed. He gave a weak smile and went to change his clothes.
My sisters educated themselves at Young Angels’ school. I was going to school with my friends. I had a surprise encounter with my sisters who were returning from school. My friends asked me, “Are they your sisters?” I said, “Yes.” “How sweet they are!” They responded. Revathi and Uma were always together and did things together. Uma wanted the attention of my mother always. Mother didn’t have much time for her. When she was a baby, mother would place a pacifier in her mouth in order to keep her silent. She kept crying and mucus oozed from her nose. Sometimes she would even go to sleep. Her demand for mother’s affection was constant and persistent. I understood that I didn’t have any chance for mother’s affection. Once, Uma contracted pox. Uma suffered in a bad way. Her tongue had blisters. She used to sleep with her tongue sticking out. Mom administered ayurvedic ( Indian herbal}medicines like paripathadi kadha. Cool things were given to her. Her diet was soft food and liquids. It took some days to get cured. Uma was fair and chubby. She used to giggle a lot. She laughed to her heart’s content. Her innocent talk would set us to laughter. She entertained us when she said, ‘Can you listen to Shivan songs?’ We couldn’t understand what she meant by it. Later we came to know it was ‘cinema songs.’ My brother Hari felt she had little sense. So he called her ‘Gogi’. He had affection for her. Many a times, my younger brother Mohan and Uma used to laugh, crack jokes and play together. They would quarrel and slap each other as well. Sometimes Uma would cry. Mom would come to separate them.
Revathi was darker than Uma but had good facial features. Revathi had a protruding navel. Mother would dust some boric powder on her navel and tie a bandage. Revathi demanded mother’s attention. There was only a year’s difference between Revathi and Uma. Revathi and Uma studied together and talked about Sister Fatima. Sister Fatima was strict but students felt that they could fool her by copying during exams. Students were sure that they would not be caught by her. Her actions were such that students would laugh. Once, when she was busy talking and walking at the same time, she tripped and fell. The students around her were amused and laughed loudly. The class was silent when Principal came.
No one could dare to disturb Revathi when she cried loudly. If we disturbed her crying, she would cry louder and drive us mad. Revathi was struck by jaundice. She turned yellow. She was taken by Menakaben, the woman who delivered us toned milk every day, to Gauri talkies. There was a man who could dissolve the disease of jaundice by using lime (used for eating betel leaves) and water. I went to see. I saw him reciting a mantra and performing some ritual. I saw the water turning yellow and I do remember, my sister got cured of jaundice and did not get it again. He advised that she should not be given fried and spicy food. This was traditional medicine – unscientific and unreliable – the point of view of present day world.
Although Karnesh stayed with us during daytime and had affection for us, his mother dominated him. She had an effective technique of emotional blackmail. She wanted him to love her. She would say, “Kanna, I am the only one mother of yours. You must listen to your mother or I am going to cut my wrist with a knife. See I have a knife with me, I’ll die and you’ll be left with no mother. So do you want your mother or do you want friends to play with?” If any of his playmates called him, he would look down from the balcony and not reply. He did not play with children in the society. Karnesh’s father proved his valiance by trying to help our family. Aunt Janaki didn’t like this. Once he had given some loan to our family to buy a steel cupboard. I saw him taking advantage of the situation when my dad was not there. His actions proved that he wanted sexual favours from my mother. My mother’s face flared up with anger and the man darted away from her. I was silent and understood that certain men offer help to women only to get some favours.
The feeling that I was dark, skinny, straight nosed, not beautiful, was present in me. My paternal grandfather called me as blackie or ‘kali’ in Hindi whereas my paternal cousins, Maya atthai’s children received compliments due to their fair complexion. My paternal grandfather Rangesh had a lot of feeling for them. Having lived in the north, they lived colourfully and would not wear faded clothes or clothes which did not fit them. Maya atthai (paternal aunt) would hand over the discarded clothes to me. Although I scored zero in needlework, I found it was necessary to alter clothes at home. I would take an estimate of how much of it should be shortened and used needle and thread to stitch them. I learnt to stitch because of necessity. There was no sewing machine in the house. There was no chance for a new dress. One has to live within one’s economic orbit. New uniforms replaced the old.
My dad had an excellent art of drawing. He drew sketches of my aunt sleeping, school girls, cats, dogs, mother lying on bed. He would draw and say, “This is Parvati reclining.” My sister Uma imbibed this art. Once, I was surprised to see how she painted brightly a beautiful flower, an impressive cartoon and a sari border design. She also drew designs on a piece of cloth and painted them. She was good at stitching too. Mom would praise her for her art and me for studies. I do remember my parents never pressurized me for studies. Even if I scored less marks in a subject they did not bother. They would say better luck next time. But dad teased me when I stammered. I felt bad and insulted. He would say “Are you aware of what is happening around? You seem to stare into nothingness. You dull witted girl!” I could not retaliate or speak back. He considered that I was lost in my own world. My brothers and sisters also felt the same. They teased and denigrated me. But I prepared myself to come out of my shackles instead of succumbing to bad situations.
